Home > Jackassery > You Want the Truth? You Can’t Handle the Truth…

You Want the Truth? You Can’t Handle the Truth…

I found the following dialog which I borrowed liberally (and slightly modified) from the script of "A Few Good Men" deliciously apropos.

Given the recent rash of status quo apologists who continue to cling to some bizarre notion that all I want to do is steal their girlfriends, call them names and separate them from their precious firewalls, I couldn’t help myself. 

Two outa three ain’t bad, I suppose.

I’ve got people putting together bitchin’ soundtracks in my honor and showing real concern that I’ve just gone off the deep end, pleading with me to revert to my prior ways before an intervention is required.

So what the hell…let’s have some fun with that concept.

In this scene, I imagine myself (I’ll be Tom Cruise) interrogating one of my firewall-fanboy antagonists (Nicholson) regarding the unnatural attachment to implementing technology rather than solving business problems right after a botched cover-up of (and if this isn’t serendipity…) a "Code Red"

Son, we live in a world that has firewalls, and those firewalls have to be configured by men with  policy editors, bad attitudes and an extensive knowledge of ACL’s.  Who’s gonna do it? You? You Lt. Weinburg?  I have more responsibility here than you could possibly fathom.

You weep for de-perimeterization, and you curse the firewall jockies. You have that luxury.  You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the perimeter’s much greatly exaggerated death, while tragic, probably saved my ass from not patching my servers.  And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves machines.

I know deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you don’t want me on that firewall, you need me on that firewall.

We use words like threat, vulnerability, budget. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending "something." You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very security I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it.

I prefer you said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an IPS and weed out false positives. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you call what I do!

That pretty much sums up the situation thus far, I’d say…

You can find the original dialog here.

(If even one of you takes this seriously, I’ll really put some effort into annoying you…)

Categories: Jackassery Tags:
  1. October 28th, 2007 at 03:22 | #1

    I got a "Dear Shrdlu" letter on my pillow this morning. I think I know where to look, you smug bastard.

  2. October 28th, 2007 at 04:09 | #2

    I really did like your lyrics.
    They were awesome.
    You know I still love you, don't be like that…

  3. October 28th, 2007 at 07:53 | #3

    Were people taking you seriously before? 😉

  4. October 28th, 2007 at 09:21 | #4

    When Hoff steals your girlfriend, you KNOW to take him seriously.

  5. October 28th, 2007 at 10:29 | #5

    "(If even one of you takes this seriously, I'll really put some effort into annoying you…)"
    I've decided to take this seriously – if only to force you to put some effort into annoying me instead of doing it in such a relaxed and offhand manner.

  6. October 28th, 2007 at 11:16 | #6

    "When Hoff steals your girlfriend, you KNOW to take him seriously."
    …yeah. It means I had to ask my wife first. That takes huevos!
    @Newby: I can't divert precious energy from my national domestic policy efforts and expend energy on fur'ners.
    I'm sorry I didn't make that more clear earlier.

  7. October 28th, 2007 at 13:46 | #7

    After the photoshops of Hoff I am not sure I can ever take him seriously again, but sometimes when I am really drunk and it has been a few days without a solid rest he starts to make some sense 🙂

  8. October 29th, 2007 at 10:19 | #8

    Pssst, Guido, here's the secret: firewalls ain't much about technical security anymore, they're more about management oversight, quality control and being a gateway to ask permission to do something ala "Oh, you want some ports opened? Well, how did you get that server on the wire without anybody knowing about it?" Get it?
    I reject more firewall rule requests just because I know the project team didn't know how their software works and they wanted a huge set of ports open, not because it was any more safe or unsafe. And yes, this is a slippery slope towards becoming an ITIL/CMMI/$FooFramework wonk. =)
    At any rate, when I read this this morning, I came to a realization on why Hoff has declared the Jihad on the security brand: security shouldn't be a side-show performed by witch doctors performing voodoo, it should be just another aspect of doing business.

  9. October 29th, 2007 at 12:14 | #9


  1. August 3rd, 2009 at 07:07 | #1