Home > Cloud Computing, Cloud Security, Jackassery > Hey Hey, I Wanna Be a Security Rockstar…

Hey Hey, I Wanna Be a Security Rockstar…

rockstarI am working on laying down the vocals over the music,

For the love of all that is audible, don’t say you weren’t warned…

The first couple of verses are recorded for your, um, pleasure here.

Here’s  an overview of Defcon sung to the tune of Nickleback’s “Rockstar:”

I’m through with standing in line

for talks I’ll never get in

Didn’t make the top 3 in CTF again

Seems Defcon hasn’t turned out

quite the way I want it to be

(tell me what you want)

I want a brand new netbook

that runs Ubuntu

a 3G channel no one can hack into

And a 4 socket server big enough

to crack passwords for me

(yeah, so what you need)

I’ll need a credit card with someone else’s limit

And a wallet from a fed with nice badge in it

Gonna join the wall of sheep club

everyone makes fun of me

(Been there done that)

I want a bootable CD full of old hack tools

and a way to bypass pesky firewall rules

Need to tunnel SSH…DNS and RPC

(So how you gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame

gonna grow long hair and use a hacker name

[CHORUS]

‘Cause we all just wanna be security rockstars

Hacking parking meters,

windows-powered smart cars

The girls ain’t easy but the caffeine’s cheap

We’ll all stay skinny, can’t afford to eat

And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars

moochin off those vendors

and their sales whores

Every good script kiddie

Gonna wind up there

No pretty people

but we just wont care

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

Wanna be…great like Mitnick

with no stay in the pen

Hire a PR firm to make me cool again

Sign-a couple autographs

buy my book ‘cos it’s not free

(I’ll have the quesadilla… ha ha)

Piss off Apple fanbois

cause quite a mess

pwn your precious iPhone

with an SMS

Escape from a VM

cos you’ve got crappy entropy

(So how you gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame

gonna grow long hair and use a hacker name

‘Cause we all just wanna be security rockstars

Hacking parking meters,

windows-powered smart cars

The girls ain’t easy but the caffeine’s cheap

We’ll all stay skinny, can’t afford to eat

And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars

moochin off those vendors

and their sales whores

Every good script kiddie

Gonna wind up there

No pretty people

but we just wont care

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

Have a big pool party

with killer bees

a bread makin’ panel

with robots that freeze

lock picking fu

and hacker jeopardy

I’m gonna write those sploits

that offend the censors

Gonna pop those boxes

like a Pez dispenser

Get washed-up hackers

rewriting my tools for free

I’m gonna dress my ass

in the black shirt fashion

Donate to the EFF

and promote stack smashin’

Gonna date a sysadmin

blow my money on a brand new Wii

(So how you gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame

gonna grow long hair and use a hacker name

‘Cause we all just wanna be security rockstars

Hacking parking meters,

windows-powered smart cars

The girls ain’t easy but the caffeine’s cheap

We’ll all stay skinny, can’t afford to eat

And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars

moochin off those vendors

and their sales whores

Every good script kiddie

Gonna wind up there

No pretty people

but we just wont care

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

I’m gonna give your mama

quite a fright

when I steal her account

on that Facebook site

If Satan’s on her friend’s list

Jesus really ought to be

You’ve got

“Clobber the Cloud”

Chicks pillow fighting

and even the odd

TV celebrity sighting

Korean spies in disguise

get your bail money for free

Fake ATM’s in the lobby

stealin’ your cash

suicidal cab drivers

who think it’s cool to crash

haxors getting pwned

posting your twitter feeds

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame

gonna grow long hair and use a hacker name

‘Cause we all just wanna be security rockstars

Hacking parking meters,

windows-powered smart cars

The girls ain’t easy but the caffeine’s cheap

We’ll all stay skinny, can’t afford to eat

And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars

moochin off those vendors

and their sales whores

Every good script kiddie

Gonna wind up there

No pretty people

but we just wont care

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

Hey hey I’ll be a security rockstar

  1. August 4th, 2009 at 07:13 | #1

    It feels so bad for this to be so good.

  2. Armorguy
    August 4th, 2009 at 07:32 | #2

    Someone has either too much time on his hands or needs to back off *this much* from the caffeine intake… :)

    I expect to see a YouTube video within the week, sir.

  3. Johannes Smythe
    August 4th, 2009 at 08:58 | #3

    "Have a big pool party

    with killer bees"

    ROFL

    that was priceless

  4. Kevin Mitnick
    August 4th, 2009 at 09:36 | #4

    Now that is fucking hilarious!

  5. August 4th, 2009 at 11:08 | #5

    Feels exactly like a bad rock guitar rift…Jesus. Security Geek Hubris run amok.

  6. August 4th, 2009 at 11:45 | #6

    Classic!

  7. Crystal
    August 4th, 2009 at 14:55 | #7

    Glad I wasn't drinking anything. I'm looking forward to this being a series now. I second the youtube vote.

  8. August 4th, 2009 at 17:09 | #8

    I demand the entire song!

    This is hilarious!

  9. phat32
    August 4th, 2009 at 17:49 | #9

    Holy Crap this is a great song dude. I don't know how many con's you attend but if I were you I would fully expect a required performance, even if it's only at the next Defcon. I know the song is specifically about Defcon but it's a great set of lyrics. Perhaps you could perform it with the Goon band next year?

  10. Raven
    August 4th, 2009 at 19:14 | #10

    Totally hilarious. I can just see the video now. [dying]

  11. August 4th, 2009 at 22:57 | #11

    Bloody brilliant.

    My team are wondering what the giggling is about. Please finish the song and make a video.

    If possible, with Kendra and the like. ;)

    Hoff, when you die, please donate your brain to scientific research.

  12. August 5th, 2009 at 02:06 | #12

    Awesome!!! Brilliant Work!!!!!!

  13. August 6th, 2009 at 00:37 | #13

    Absolutely hilarious!! Fantastic job, awesome, and so !@#$ true.

    You have GOT TO put this over music.

  14. Maneesh
    August 13th, 2009 at 20:56 | #14

    Just awesome, but now i am waiting for the full song.. when will that be available?

  15. Ian
    August 14th, 2009 at 19:46 | #15

    Oh. Oh my. I wanna be a security rock star too.

  16. Phil Agcaoili
    September 24th, 2009 at 16:24 | #16

    Who's the singer of this monstrosity?

    And I'd like to get 1'40" of my life back please. Wow.

    A little payback, listen and watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0
    A little Jiu Jitsu payback video I've learned at the MMA Underground.

  17. 3nvy
    December 29th, 2009 at 07:49 | #17

    This is the most hysterical thing that I have read in a long time.

    I laughed so hard that I peed a little.

    Must write more! :)

  18. May 5th, 2010 at 08:33 | #18

    That is a great job!

  19. July 12th, 2010 at 02:55 | #19

    Haha! Very funny lyrics – great job!

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  1. August 4th, 2009 at 20:34 | #1
  2. August 6th, 2009 at 01:07 | #2
  3. January 26th, 2010 at 10:27 | #3
  4. March 4th, 2010 at 10:41 | #4